Lonely, Oh So Lonely!

Do you ever feel lonely? Sad? Depressed? Like no one wants to be your friend? Well, do I have the perfect cure for you...come on over to Djibouti and live with the Somalis! You will never in your life feel lonely again.

I suppose as Americans, it does not feel so unusual to be alone. In fact, as an introvert at heart and as someone who grew up without siblings my own age, I have grown pretty accustomed to being alone. But gone are the days when I used to take long walks by myself or hide in my room and read books for hours on end. Now I am with the Somalis and have found that social rule #1 is that you must be cursed, endangered, socially outcast or just plain weird if you ever have the misfortune of finding yourself alone. To be alone here is to be in the most pitiable of states. Rule #2 is if you ever are accidentally alone, you must remedy this immediately (or if you are a foreigner, someone will come to remedy it for you). Rule #3 states that rule #2 is especially urgent when you are sick.

Cases in Point:

1. The house helper who works for the family below is almost never alone, but on the rare occasions when the whole family is gone, she comes up to our apartment to sit with us because she is too afraid to be by herself. She, like everyone else, obsessively calls out "Who is it?" everytime one of us knocks on the downstairs door and will only answer it when I say the customary "It's me" and she recognizes my voice.

2. When my roommate Rachael was recently sick in bed with a fever and achiness all over, our houseworker and a friend and said friend’s aunt came and fawned over her excessively. They made her drink a lime juice and garlic mixture (which we hate drinking, but it does seem to help with whatever ails you) and then the aunt promptly started babbling away, laughing, talking and generally trying to entertain Rachael in her rapid-fire old lady Somali speech. Cintia, our other roommate, tried to explain in vain that while the attention was very kind, Americans like to be alone when they are really sick, that in fact old ladies telling jokes in a language we struggle to understand while touching and pinching and staring at us is not exactly a comfort during a time of infirmity. The aunt protested “But if I don’t talk to her, then she will get bored and sad and will become even more sick!!” Case closed. Our friends borrowed a neighbor’s wedding video and plopped down on the bed with Rachael to watch it to keep her from getting lonely, and therefore, from getting sicker. When they finally had to leave, they assigned Cintia to the task of keeping Rachael from getting lonely. Though Cintia is not American, she understands us fairly well, and as soon as the others were gone, she promptly left Rachael alone.

3. When I stayed with a Djiboutian family, the only time I was ever alone (besides when I was using the bathroom) was when everyone took their communal after-lunch nap and I stayed awake to read or just have some time to think and relax. Even then there were people sprawled on the floor all around me, but at least I would get a little thought privacy every day.

4. One of the other American teachers at the university is a single man and he lives by himself because he is the only single American man living here who is not associated with the military. Dan doesn’t seem to mind being on his own too much, but when he told his students that he lived in an apartment by himself, they were shocked. “But how can you even live? Who cooks for you? No wife or mother? Aren’t you sad and lonely?” Etc, etc. He assured everyone that he is fine, not lonely, not scared, and gets by quite well with sandwiches and eating out. But that was not good enough. His students were still concerned. One day, two of the guys came to him and said “Teacher, we have been thinking about what you told us and we feel so sorry that you must live alone. We have decided that we will come and live with you so you will not be lonely anymore. I mean, how can we stay in our own homes when our dear teacher is all alone?” Dan thanked them for their kindness but politely refused the offer.

5. Whenever someone drops by the house and sees that I am alone, they are always shocked and mortified and our conversation goes something like this:

“What?! You are here alone? Completely alone? Why? What happened?”
“Well, everyone else went to town for work or errands.”
“Aren’t you so afraid of being alone?”
“Nope, not really. Actually, sometimes I kind of like it.”
“What?! You can’t be serious. I have never heard of such a crazy thing! Ok, don’t worry. I will stay here with you until everyone comes.”
“Oh thank you, but you really don’t need to....”
“Don’t be silly. Of course I can’t leave you alone.”

And so I will continue washing the dishes, ironing, planning my lessons or doing whatever else I was doing and the person will watch and keep me company, true to their word.

I am getting more and more used to community living, but at least fortunately when things get too crazy or twenty neighbors all choose the same night to stop by, I can always go up to our roof and pretend like I’m not home. And though I may never fear loneliness the way Somalis do, at least they are teaching me to open up my house and my time and my life in ways I never used to before.